MST3K: With the girls
by Phincus
Summary: Lara Croft(Tomb Raider) Regina Valentine(dino Crisis) Darc'i Stern(Urban Chaos) Come and mock bad fics at Natlas 'insistance'! Fun! Games! Numerous spelling errors! Revel in my first fan fic done on my own! there will be more oh yes.....I would like to th


Mystery Gamer Theater 3000  
  
In a not to distant future  
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5  
Lara and her worthless friends,  
Were caught in a nasty place  
  
Lalala  
  
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics   
To let them suffer and mock bad fics  
They're there because Lara is an annoyer  
And she went and offed her employer  
  
"I'll send them cheesy stories."  
"The worse I can find!"  
"They'll have to sit and read them all,  
and I'll monitor their minds!"  
  
Lalala  
  
Now keep in mind they can't control  
When the torture begins or ends  
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of   
Powerful drug-esque friends  
  
Oddly named peoples Roll Call  
  
Jeeves (he has the camera, and the vocabulary of a terrier with it's mouth tied shut)  
  
Darc'i (I think we're all gonna be cold here)   
  
Regina (Well, at least there aren't any dinos...)  
  
If your wondering how they're still alive  
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes  
It really just still a stupid show  
And you should really just relax  
  
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!  
  
  
Lara: Argh, my head, the Advil isn't working! How about you guys?  
  
Regina: Nope.  
  
Darc'i: Uh, uh.  
  
Jeeves: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...  
  
Lara: Quiet Jeeves, cameramen don't talk.  
  
Jeeves: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  
  
Lara: Yeah, we know, we know. So what are we doing here anyway?  
  
The three women are standing in a small room; it has a table with some buttons up in the corner. There is a large red light at the top of the room. The table takes up most of the space and the three are behind it in various states of being hung over.  
  
Regina: Well, there is no way out of here. We don't have a vehicle, so I guess were screwed. But the thing is who put us here? Why? When? Did they have to drug us so heavily? Aiiiie! My head!  
  
She clutches at her head. Suddenly one of the larger buttons start flashing. Regina smacks it angrily.   
  
Lara: Hello? Residency of three confused and hurting women, can we help you, or vise versa?  
  
The scene switches over to Natla, (for those of you who don't know her, she was Lara's employer in Tomb Raider one. She is darkly tanned, blonde, slight southern accent, black rather low cut business suit and very mean), she is sitting in a big executive chair in an office building setting.   
  
Natla: *grin* Well, I see that you have gotten there all right. How do you like your new surroundings?  
  
Regina: You didn't supply enough Advil. *holds up an empty bottle*  
  
Natla: Hmmm, yes, well, I'll have some sent down in the next delivery. I hope that every thing else is fine, you will be there for a long time! Mwahahahahaha! *strokes a little lizard in her lap, Regina shudders*  
  
Lara: Why did you send us here? Where the bloody 'ell is 'Here'???  
  
Natla: Ah Lara, YOU are here because you foiled my plans of dominating the world through meat products. Apparently having you fall off a cliff simply isn't enough to kill you, thus I will use you in my experiments. The others are there because this wouldn't be very funny if it was just you making fun of bad fan fiction. So there. You are in the middle of the Artic circle, you are in an old facility that that freaky doctor in Tomb Raider 3 worked at.   
  
Darc'i: What?  
  
Natla: *sigh* You people, I'm making you read bad fan fiction and I'm going to watch you go insane. And I'm going to have a really swell time doing it so nagh! *sticks out her tongue*  
  
Lights begin to flash, Regina shuts her eyes and clutches her head, Lara and Darc'i run around in a panic.  
  
Lara&Darc'I: Were all gonna die!  
  
Everyone scrambles off screen and the count down begins.  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.  
  
Their silhouettes come in from the right and take their seats. Lara in the middle, Regina to the left and Darc'i to the right.  
  
HUMAN DEATH  
  
Regina: Well, that is what humans do.  
Darc'I: What's that?   
Regina: Die, have death...uh, damn. This title sucks.   
  
this is a resident evil time crisis crossover do not sue im poor  
  
Lara: Unlike me!  
Darc'i: Didn't they already do something like this?  
Regina: Yeah, it was called Resident Evil Survivor. It sucked very very badly.  
Darc'I: I have a horrible presumption.   
  
Chapter 1 the beginning  
  
Darc'I: In the beginning there were only good fics, then Natla decided to torture us, so now there is this.  
  
12.30pm Washington D.C  
Richard Miller nick named The One Man Army a very cool guy he wears blue jeans,leather  
  
Regina: What the hell is jeanleather?   
Lara: Maybe it's some new synthetic.  
  
jacket and hard boots his hair is black and gelled back with a wet look  
  
Lara: Actually, he keeps a bucket of water with him at all times and dunks his head in when people aren't looking.  
  
he his also quite well liked by many girls  
  
Darc'i: With exception of us.  
  
.He was sent a e-mail by the president of the United States that   
  
Regina: he sucks!  
  
there had been a kidnaping it was Sherudo the last blood relitive of the royal family he has captured his cousin Rachel Mcpherson the daughter of the president of Socia   
  
Lara: Socia?  
Regina: But no one really cares, because 'Socia' is a back ass wards little country that isn't even believed to exist.  
  
for the demand of militery secrets  
  
Darc'I: Non-existent military secrets from a non-existant country! Yah-hoo!  
  
.Also The organised crime syndicate Wild Dog his belived to be involved.  
  
Darc'I: yeah, this is what we police hate, when they just keep on cramming more and more people into the case. We also hate poorly named criminal organizations.  
  
Richard must get in to the castle and rescue Rachel there isnt much time though Richard will have to be quick the deadline is sunset.  
  
Lara: Hmmm, isn't it usually midnight?  
Regina: Yeah, I thought so too.   
  
  
April 4th 2001 Washington D.C  
  
Richard hurryed up stairs in his flat is flat was very modern and flashy he had leather interier with cream coloured walls and marble floors it was a luxury flat,it also has a swimming pool,snooker table and balcony. He had company his girlfriend Susan Takima, she is a Chinese American she is very beautiful but she has shoulder length black hair with very light skinned she likes leather clothes to because it suits her image she also has a moterbike a kawasaki ninja it is a 800cc engine although she is very beutiful she is a bit of a tomboy she lives in Chicago Illinois her flat is simaler to Richards see as they both have the same taste in things, she has travelled a long way to see Richard.  
  
Darc'I: Huh?  
Lara: There were only two periods in that whole paragraph and one was at the end.  
Regina: That was the most confusing piece of crap I've ever read.  
  
"Richard what is wrong wasnt the sex good WHAT IS WRONG!!."nothing Susan there is some bad news there has been a kidnaping and i have to leave for a few days".  
"For fucks sake i have travelled from Chicago too see you, you ungrateful bastard fine Fuck off then"  
  
Darc'I: Jeez, even Regina doesn't say f**k that much in one sentence.  
Regina:...thank you, I think...  
  
.Susan is really bad tempered she really does love Richard though.  
  
Lara: No she doesn't, she is just mooching money off of him.  
  
Richard jumped in to his car it was an flash car a Corvette 1998 this thing could move it was an 448 B,H,P it is black with leather interior cream coloured with 20 inch alloys very flash, Richard sped off.   
  
Regina: And was immediately hit by a semi, the end! Lets go home!  
  
Lara: I think we've earned a break anyway, lets get out of here.  
  
There is a minor scuffle to determine who is going to get out of the theater first, but we quickly see their silhouettes move out.  
  
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...break time.   
  
Lara is looking out a window with some binoculars, Regina is sitting in a corner reading a book, and Darc'I is rummaging through a box of silver ware.  
  
Regina: Alright Lara, report, what do you see?  
Lara: Nothin' to the right of us, nothing to the left, and nothing straight ahead.  
Regina: What about behind us?  
Lara: Hell, I'm not going out there to look.  
Regina: Point taken, Darc'i! Have you found the appropriate tools yet?  
  
Darc'I holds up several spoons of various shapes and sizes.  
  
Darc'I: Yes indeedy I have!  
Regina: All right! Were digging out!  
Lara: This building is made entirely of metal, we can't dig out. Anyway, where would we dig to?  
Regina: This book says to use spoons no matter what.  
  
Book is entitled: Escaping from the unknown: A guide to get you out of those especially tricky places i.e. in-laws, grandparents, and adoring overweight aunts and uncles.  
  
Lara: We aren't escaping from any of those places.   
Regina & Darc'I:...uhhhh......  
Lara: I thought so.   
  
Lights begin to flash again.  
  
Lara: It's story time! Lets go!  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1..0...theater   
  
Pentigon secret F,B,I facility  
  
Regina: Huh, 'Pentigon', is what the hell is that might I ask?  
Lara: Maybe it's like the child's version of Pentagon, but what about this F,B,I?   
Regina: Who knows? I think it's a rip off of F.B.I., we should report this to those X-Files folk.   
  
Richard was surprised  
  
Darc'I: I'm sure that that is not hard to do with him.  
  
to see his close friend Chris Redfield a member of the S,T,A,R,S team of Racoon City Police department   
  
Darc'I: Wait a second here. If he's a cop with this 'S,T,A,R,S' shouldn't he be in Racoon, not the' F,B,I facility'?  
  
he was a cool guy  
  
Lara: What's with all these 'cool' guys? They cold or something? Can't they spring for heaters at this 'pentigon'?  
  
big build he weight trains and hes a leathol  
  
Regina: 'Leathol', the fast acting, proven to work, relieve for dry and aching throats! Go buy, now!  
  
weapon when not armed and hes good at martial arts   
  
Lara: There this guy goes again, making up bios for these people, it's called a biography! Most official sites have 'em! Give it a glance some time, eh?  
  
but he has been involved with zombies on many occasions hes very brave and still doesnt really give a shit most of the time,  
  
Regina: About what?  
  
he's one for the ladies because of his good looks,  
  
Regina: WAIT! They didn't answer my question!  
  
and hes very intelligent he's got a diploma at kansas university   
  
Lara: Kansas, yes, great place to get an education.  
  
he lives in Detroit Michigan, hes also quite untidy and drinks lots of beer but hes one tough son of a bitch."Hey Richard hows it hanging"."SHIT man u scared me to death whats wrong what u doing here i aint seen u for years"  
  
Lara: In A.D. 2101 War was beginning. Boom!   
Regina: What happen?   
Darc'i: Somebody set up us the bomb   
Lara: We get signal   
Regina: What!  
Lara: How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction   
Regina: What you say!!   
Lara: You have no chance to survive make your time. HA HA HA HA....   
Regina: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
,"Well i've come because of the T-virus warnings in Sercia,  
  
All: Sercia? More made up countries?!?  
  
Sherudo has belived to have injected humans,dogs and even rats and im going with u to sort this problem","bastard that Sherudo sounds like a dick and im sure he'll get whats coming to him soon",  
"Yeah i'll see u in side Richard".  
  
Regina: And WE will see you in hell Richard.  
  
Richard stood at doorway while the security checked the I,D badge they looked at Richard like he was a criminal;  
  
Lara: Because he was of course.  
  
but they at to be very careful because they could be even killed if they made any mistakes,  
  
Regina: Yes, the learning curve in the 'pentigon' is very harsh.  
  
then welcomed Richard to the Pentigon this was a very Hi-Tec place this was full off security evan Richard was amazed by the technology, He was met by President George Bush  
  
All: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!  
  
who explained in more detail what had happened and there was more bad news he had contacts from the chemical testing and bio-chemistry lab Umbrella INC and that the T-virus and G-virus were loose in Sercia and explained why Sherudo must be stoped,  
  
  
Darc'I: Yes, he musted be be stopped by u's . I no got more people wanting to do.............................................this.  
  
Richard agreed then went to the Militery Training Facility to get his shooting accrucy and his speed of shooting because he will need it against Sherudo's army.  
  
Regina: Ah, the all-important speed of shooting.  
  
The next morning richard   
  
Lara: Who had secretly changed his name in the night to be spelled with a lower case 'R' instead of an upper case one.  
  
was ready to travel to Sercia with Chris  
  
Darc'I: Who had counted on having his own plane and threw a fit when he found out they would be sharing one.  
  
, then went though the presidures  
  
Regina: Mmmmmm, presidures...  
  
and set of in one of the Pentigons best miletary jets the SSJ bomber 2 this was a mean ass machine it could take out any aircraft in the world, this was the buisness.  
  
Lara: *pointing to Regina* Jenkins! I want you to go get the imaginary 'miletary' secrets from the imaginary country Socia. And you *point's to Darc'i* I want you to go blow up the other imaginary country 'Sercia'.  
Dac'I&Regina: Yes boss.  
Lara: Now where is that damn secretary with my pills?  
  
Both men where equiped with a machine gun a magnum and plenty of aid sprays and rations  
  
Lara: MMMM, retchins...  
Regina: Rations.  
Lara: Retchins.  
Regina: Rations.  
Lara: RETCHINS!  
Regina: RATIONS!  
Darc'I: REATCHIONS!  
Lara&Regina:...  
  
they circled the island to check out for any danger, it was a wise choice too Sherudo must of sent some of is own fighter jets out to protect the island and his long term developement from being destroyed Richard knew that there could be an thin chance of survival.  
  
Darc'I: And that was exactly why they were going there.  
  
The first jet came the Pentigons special weaponarry on the jet was most terrific and blew the shit out of the other jets. "No fucking problemo" shouted the pilot, but something was wrong the engine started to make a funny sound "shit the planes gunnar crash"  
  
All: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!  
Richard grab the parachute's"  
  
Lara: No Richard! What ever you do don't grab the parchutes!  
Regina: If you want to save us all you wont grab those parachutes!!!  
Richard and Chris escaped but pilot was'nt so lucky  
Regina: If he could get away from those two he was lucky, very lucky dammit.  
and was still in the plane when it exploded.  
Regina: See! I told you! Lucky combustible stiff.  
They landed on sand near the metal steps that took them to the top of the rocks it was a long way to the tower and they could see it was'nt goin to be easy  
Lara: *As Richard* Aww man! Nothing is ever easy for us! No fair!  
they realised they had left there weopons on the plane  
Darc'I: God no! Not the weopons!  
so they would have to scavenge any guns and ammo Richard looked around it was quite dark and the island looked spooky,"Richard   
Regina: *as Chris* Hold me.  
Darc'I: *as Richard* Only if you hold me.  
this place looks fucked we should check it out","wait Chris we should look for some weopons first the guards will be well equiped with weopons", ok replyed  
Lara: Repleved?  
Chris,but behind chris ther was a creature Richard had never seen before but it was comin for chris"Chris watch out behind you""SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HIS THAT",  
Lara: It turned out to be a mutated chiwowa, who killed every one the end!  
Regina: Soon, very soon now.  
  
Chris quickly turned round there was some sort off zombie "eat this u son of a bitch" Chris deliverd a flying kick it was so hard and well timed the zombies head came clean off,Richard examined the zombie, it was very thin and it had slashes all over it and it smelt off rotten shit,"SHIT  
  
Regina: Oh come on, this person is obviously not from a large city if they can't manage to swear creatively.  
  
that stinks man""yeah i can smell it over here"  
  
Darc'I: Chris said from 2 feet away.  
  
as chris cringed with the smell,Chris eared  
  
Darc'I: Oh god! Stay quiet! I EARED something!  
Lara: Gasp! What did you EARED!?  
Darc'I: *head in hand* The ending of the story perhaps?  
  
noises of murming, he suddenly turned around ther was at least 20 of the same kind of creature that they had witnessed before, they both ran like hell  
  
Lara: Isn't that a new game coming out soon?  
Regina: I smell a lawsuite.  
  
suddenly the floor of the hill area caved in and both men fell down a manhole they were both knocked out at the bottom lieing motionless,when they will wake up they will relise that this is not a nightmare  
  
Darc'I: Did they ever, in the whole story, think that it WAS a night mare?  
  
it is REALITY!.  
  
Regina: Suddenly we wake up to find that the reality is we have been sitting here for too long, our butts are asleep, and we only got one break. Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!  
Lara: Quickly! To the deck!  
  
There is another scuffle to get out first, but it dies down, eventually, very soon now, ah, there they go. And we are outta here.  
  
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...story end.  
  
Regina: That has got to be the worst thing I've ever been through, including finding Dr.Kirk...twice...maybe even once more if Capcom can't be creative enough to get me a new villain.  
  
Lara: Ugh, I know. And I thought going through a tomb half nude in TR4 & 5 was bad. Yeeeech.   
  
Natla comes up on screen.  
  
Natla: Well, how is everyone doing? I hope you enjoyed the show!  
  
Darc'I: Weren't we supposed to do the exact opposite?  
  
Natla:...stop being a smart ass you. Well, if you think that that was bad then I can't wait to show you what we have in store for the next show! Mwahahahahaha!  
  
All: Moan.  
  
Natla: Until next time, there should be some food in the fridge so you wont starve, so long!  
  
Natla disappears.  
  
Regina: Nooo! Where's my Advil!!!!????  



End file.
